Wouldn't it be nice if we could skip
over some of the nasty stuff and just find a way to still be friends after a
divorce? Let's start off with a disclaimer
because the word "friends" that kind of implies some buy-in or some mutual
connection. So how to be friends after a divorce? Maybe that's going to work, maybe
it's not. And you may not have a willing other party here to work with. I don't
know where your ex stands on this. So let's just start with that disclaimer
and recognize that we may or may not get the buy-in and that's okay because we're
going to focus on what we can do personally. What you can do regardless of
what your ex does. First of all, a little bit of experience that I've had here.
13 years child custody evaluations for the court. I've gotten involved with some
of the nastiest divorces you can think of. Where people are just bitter and
angry and all this nasty, caustic vitriolic stuff going back and forth
between them. So when I think of how do you be friends after a divorce, I'm going
to the complete opposite. Where there's some peace and some tranquility. Okay,
again acknowledging that you don't control the other party. So keeping that
in mind, let's get into 5 tips that you can do specifically to create a
better outcome here and the first one is - "self care". Take care of yourself. This
expands to many different aspects of your life. Physical for example. What are
you doing to take care of yourself? physically? Are you getting enough sleep,
are you eating a balanced diet? Are you engaging in regular exercise? Now, what
does this have to do with being friends with my ex? Well, it has everything to do
with you experiencing a fuller, richer life
regardless of what your ex does and what it does is it puts you in position
to create a workable relationship with your ex if that indeed is a possibility
for you guys. So, take care of yourself and it's not just physical. What about
financial? I was meeting with a client who had been through a divorce recently.
She's a young mom of twins, alright? You moms out there can appreciate this.
That's a lot of work and suddenly she finds herself a young single mom of
twins. As she's sitting right here in my office talking with me, I asked her about
the financial peace. How are you going to make it financially? She said, "Well, with
the child support, I should be able to..." I said, "whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, timeout,
right there." She looked at me like what? What are you talking about? Child support?
You're planning on child support? She's like, "Well, yeah I mean he's going to pay me
this much a month and I should be able to make but..." Okay, the reason I called
timeout is because I don't want you counting on them. Financially, you take
care of yourself. Now, disclaimer from Dr. Paul. I am not saying that the ex
shouldn't pay child support. In fact, If you feel like if you are responsible enough
and mature enough and adult enough to actually have a child with someone, then
you better darn well be responsible enough to take care of that child.
Whether or not you're together. I'm not saying anything about her ex and whether
he should pay child support. I believe that he should and that he should step
up and do his role as a fatherBut when I'm talking to her, we can't count on it.
Now again, that's not to say whether he should pay it or not, I just want her
focus to be on what can I do personally to take care of myself financially to
establish some level of self-reliance financially. What does it change
for her? If she's not depending on him, then she knows and has the confidence
that she can take care of this on her own. That's not going to be easy with
twin babies. It is not going to be easy. That's not what I'm saying But it is the
focus that will empower her the most to being an emotional position that not
only can she feel confidence about her own life, she's now in a better position
with him too because every time he pays the child support, she feels grateful not
entitled. That changes the dynamic. So you take care of yourself. We've mentioned
physical, we mentioned financial. How about social? How about you look to
maintain and build positive social relationships with people other than
your ex? You're taking care of that. you're taking care of yourself socially
and this is a little hard because it requires some vulnerability. That's the
last thing we want to do especially after we've been hurt but it's essential
to putting you in that position. How about taking care of yourself
psychologically? Staying positive. Oh, we got some other videos here on the
channel about how to stay positive no matter what. Brush up on that so that you
don't get sucked into negativity. This is what I mean by take care of yourself and
that is the most important tip that I can give you that's why it's number 1.
Tip number 2 goes right along with it. "Take personal responsibility". And I don't
mean you take the blame for what's happened. You just assume a position of
accountability and responsibility for your own life. You are where you are
because of the choices that you've made. It's not a bad thing that you're here. It
may be painful at times but that doesn't mean bad. So you take personal
responsibility for your life. For where you go after this. The very best thing
that you can do is create a beautiful life with what you have from where you
are. Live your life well and stay out of that nasty, pesky victim mode
that's so easy to slip into when we've been hurt .Tip number 3 - "Stick to
principle". Stick to your principles of integrity and commitment to doing the
right things for the right reasons. I mention this because divorce brings out
the worst in people. I'm not saying that because divorce is a bad thing. Sometimes
it just happens. You didn't plan on it but it tends to bring out the worst in
people. Things like anger and bitterness and resentment. Well, guess what? Those
things don't tend to build positive relationships. A big surprise, right? So
when I say stick to principle, you stick to the principles that allow you to
create a positive life with what you have from where you are and don't get
sucked into the negativity that is so common when people divorce. That brings
us to tip number 4 which is actually one of the principles and that is
"Forgiveness". Forgiveness is not saying that what happened was okay. Forgiveness
is not laying down and becoming a doormat for everyone to trample on.
Forgiveness one way to think about this is giving up your need for a better past.
What if you could do that? Forgiveness is letting go of the bitterness that might
cause you to abandon your principles like we talked about in tip number 3.
Forgiveness is your way of reframing this experience in a way that allows you
to take it less personally. Assume full responsibility for how you feel and to
move forward and create a "hero story". A story that features you as the inspiring,
powerful, amazing hero that you are. You'll notice as we get into these tips
that it all has to do with you and what you're capable of doing with or without
the input of your ex. It puts you in the best position possible
to have the healthiest relationships possible with your ex with everyone else
in your world. Let's go to the 5th one. Tip number 5 is to "Choose love". I
think we always have a choice and I think that every interaction we have
with another person whether it's our ex or someone else has to fall on one side
or the other. There is no neutral option. I think every
interaction will be either love or hate. And can you see in a divorce situation,
it's easy to choose hate? That's where a lot of the world goes with this. See it
as a choice and consciously choose love. Which means that you assume the best
about that person and about their motives. Since you don't know, take the
position that they are doing the best that they know how to do with what they
have from where they are. Assume the best. Practice humility which means that you
get rid of that destructive pride that has you knowing that you're right about
everything. Knowing that we're right has us treating each other terribly. You let
go of that and have instead the humility to be open. Would you rather be right or
open? Do you feel the empowerment in that statement and then the other element to
choosing love is that you look for and find and innovate and create ways to
uplift and build and add value. As opposed to the destructive tendency that
we get into sometimes when we're looking for ways to cut down or to argue with or
to oppose or fight against something. Instead, we're using that creative power
that we have to build up an edify and enrich. So a quick recap of those 5 tips.
Number 1 - "Self-care". You take care of yourself. Number 2 - "Take personal
responsibility" for your life and where you are.
Number 3 - "Stick to principle". Don't abandon it just because everyone's
pulling in that direction. Number 4 - practice "Forgiveness" and
number 5 - "Choose love". This improves your life and it puts you in the very
best position possible to have the most positive relationship possible with your
ex. You've probably had some ideas of your own as we've gone through these
points. Go ahead and leave some comments. down below let's share the wisdom i standing in this